Sunday, 30 October 2011

Why So Shy??

I’m so shy I’m afraid to do even the simplest of things.
I absolutely despise talking to strangers - I have countless stories of when I’ve freaked out over having to order movie tickets or food at a restaurant.
I HATE THAT I AM SHY! And it’s the first thing people notice about me.
I’ve always struggled with severe shyness and anxiety and overall nervousness about anything and everything. It’s really difficult for me to talk to new people, going to a restaurant or shop and talking to the sales assistant is really heard for me and the most surprising and crippling is making phone calls!

I’ve also suffered from extreme anxiety and depression (and probably still do occasionally). Some days I find myself in a kind of gruesome funk, surround by some dreadful aura that just won’t seem to shake.
Depression is a funny thing, attached with some sort of stigma. I was so ashamed and hated for people to know about it - the fear of being treated differently because of it and the thoughts of always being watched and talked about. I hate the feelings of worthlessness, ugliness and self-hatred and often with my shyness people assume I’m a snob, which absolutely kills me.

I always feel like I am not being myself around people. Worse than that, I feel as if people act differently around me too – as if they are judging me and looking at me as if there is something wrong with me - I mean, I’m in my 20’s and I can’t even hold a conversation! What is up with that?? But it’s not as easy as people think it is, I can’t just snap out of it. I know it’s hard for some people to understand.

I stress, a lot, until I’m sick to my stomach about things that other people wouldn’t give a second thought. I hate not being sure I’m capable of doing the things I want to do, because it will mean living outside my comfort zone. I want to speak, but I am unable to. I watch helplessly as the things, and especially people, I want in my life pass me by, because speaking up and demanding them doesn’t even feel like a possibility.

I do have several close friends who I’m completely comfortable to act a fool in front of, but even then I have my moments of envy towards them for being so happy and outgoing and extroverted. I see how they relate to other people - observing is something you do a lot of when you’re NOT talking - and I am completely jealous. And something that really REALLY bothers me is that a lot of people I meet assume I am a snob and stuck-up or just plain dumb when that couldn’t be further from the truth! It also bugs me if I find out that someone doesn’t like me – Why should I care?? BUT I DO ahhh!! I know how lovely and wonderful I am so why would someone not like me? That really gets me.

But I will say that I love being by myself most of the time and I’m definitely more of a listener than a talker – it’s always been that way.

 

Are any of you shy, Darlings??
I would love to hear all your stories of how you combat your shyness!
Xxxx

4 comments:

  1. I'm shy too!! I started overcoming it by pretending to be outgoing and forcing myself to do things beyond my comfort zone... Like signing up for dance classes alone. Signing up for a women's Bible study where I didn't no anyone else. Eating lunch alone in the cafeteria at work and smiling, looking people in the eye when I'd rather read a book or hide. It's hard sometimes and I still have moments where I feel awkward in groups, but... the more I put myself out there, the easier it gets. :) I wish you courage & love as you spread those wings! <3

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  2. I'm terribly shy. I conquered it, though-- I got a job in customer service. I suffer from Bipolar & anxiety disorder. I do still have my moments, but for the most part, I have overcome it :) I hope this helps.

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  3. This is like I could have written it. Sadly every single word! But actually,this past summer I've met so many new friends on my travels that I've come back with more confidence. Travelling really does build up a person's confidence, I recommend it to you! :) It really put me in a better state of mind too so yeah, it's like therapy. :)

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    1. I totally agree about the travelling! It's just like therapy!!

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