Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Writing is a form of therapy...

I'm not really one for sharing my personal dramas, on this blog or in real life. I have a hard time saying how I feel, especially if it's not a good feeling. This started out as me just writing out what's going on in my head at the moment, just getting it all out, because I know, sooner or later, I will explode in a fit of tears at the next family dinner or something ridiculous. And you know how much I hate crying in front of people! Even if this goes unread I feel that letting it out will be somewhat therapeutic. I've worked up enough courage to type this. Having the guts to press publish  is a whole other story. We'll see.

This past weekend my estranged Grandfather passed away. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. Two things you should know [1.] He was a stranger to me [2.] When I say "Grandfather" I mean it only in the sense that we share the same blood and surname. My brother and I had a conversation once about how we felt about people calling him our "Grandfather" when they spoke to us about him. It hurt me that they would use that word. My brother told me it's only the definition that you give the word that gives it power and meaning. I'll carry that with me forever. 

I met him once when I was a child. I've heard stories about him all my life. Just stories. And things about him. His life. The kind of man he was. Husband. Father. He left his family when my Dad was very young. He had another family, another life. Other Grandchildren. I don't know why I'm using the words "another" and "other", to him I feel they were his only family, his only life and his only Grandchildren.

I thought this day would have to come eventually, and I thought it would mean nothing, it wouldn't affect me whatsoever, but it has, I feel somewhat sad. Sad for myself and my Brother, sad that he had a whole life with Grandchildren he loved and was proud of and we weren't even a second thought to him. I'm sad for my Gran, who's had a difficult life and raised three children by herself. I'm sad that she has had so many struggles and this man lived as if none of them existed. I'm mostly sad for my Dad. To have grown up without a father would be one of the hardest things and to have been such a wonderful Dad to my Brother and I in spite of this is beyond remarkable. I'm sad that they never reconciled and that he'll always wonder 'what if?'. My heart is completely breaking for him. He lit a candle when he found out, that just killed me. It made me angry. So so so angry. And I know why, I just don't want to admit to it. 

Right now I'm so confused and conflicted. I wish someone would tell me how to feel. I'm upset for not feeing sad enough. And I'm angry. And I'm annoyed with myself for feeling all these things. I do feel a lot better getting this off my chest. Sorry for being so depressing! I don't need anyone's pity. I do however need a hug. 

4 comments:

  1. I totally understand why you needed to write all that down. :) You're right, writing is a form of therapy and a very effective one at that. So I really hope it helped you sort out the emotions running through your mind, if only a little.

    I know what you mean about wanting to know how to feel too! Whatever you're feeling is completely justified, it is simply how you feel so please don't think you HAVE to feel a certain way. :) There is no right way to feel, except being true to your own emotions.

    Also, I wish you didn't live the other side of the globe because then I would be able to hug you properly, instead of this virtual hug *puts arms around you*
    Surround yourself with the people you love and you'll make it through this hard time. :)
    Chin up, you can do it. ♥

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  2. I'm hugging you across the ocean, love!
    it's totally understandable that you're so confused but I honestly have no advice for you. I understand that it's a weird feeling because you were related but not family.
    It's great that you worry so much about your daddy. he seems like an awesome person.
    If you feel like talking, message me.

    Love, Jenni

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  3. Writing is definitely a form of therapy. And it's good that you wrote this down and shared, even though you're not the sharing type when it comes to personal issues. I'm proud of you!
    All the crazy feelings that you're feeling, they're probably exactly what you need to be feeling. You didn't really know him, and that is sad, but don't beat yourself up for not feeling sad enough. Being confused and conflicted is OK. Your dad must feel some of the same things, and you should both know that it's OK. I hope your dad doesn't worry too much over the "what-ifs," because that can be really hard on a person. Hang in there!
    I'm a new GFC follower here from FTF hop. =0)
    ~Kim
    http://2justByou.blogspot.com

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  4. what you wrote is true to you. all your feelings are valid. be kind yourself because things like this are tough, emotion filled, and definitely not easy. they do show how strong you are. they also help you determine what you think is important, in your own life, and the kind of person YOU want to be.

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